I have always struggled with my weight. Especially when I’m stressed out, depressed, bored, heartbroken and a few other powerful emotions. When I get that way, I tend to try and numb the pain or fill the void with eating. It has been a roller coaster of weight loss and gain for quite some time.

The past two years my health and weight spiraled out of control. I was in a bad place emotionally, mentally and physically and ate my way to a size to heavy and big for my petite frame. My personal and work life were getting to me and it affected my health, confidence, attitude, my energy and my social life. I retreated inside myself and would avoid social gatherings because I was dealing with depression and I couldn’t stand or recognize the reflection in the mirror, BUT I didn’t have the motivation to put my kicks (sneakers/trainers) on to just go for a walk, let alone wash the dishes in the sink.

Walking up just a few stairs would leave me panting. Even though I knew what needed to be done, I would continue to eat my way to a bigger size. I would eat to numb the disappointment in myself for letting myself go. I would eat because it was easier than making the effort to make the necessary changes. I ate myself to a size where my knees were in agony trying to support my body weight, where sleeping was not comfortable, sound or restful. I ate because I felt unattractive, so I made myself even less desirable. It was easier than the solution, because that would take a lot of effort on my part and it would take time for me to see the wanted results.

After a lot of thought, inquires and test results…I HAD to do something about my excess weight. I consulted with a well known weight-loss surgeon from my home city of Alexandria and explained what I was going through. He told me that I didn’t qualify for Gastric Sleeve, but if I continue on the path that I’m on, I would be. He suggested a Gastric Balloon, he walked me through the process and told me “N this isn’t a solution to your eating habits, but it is a useful tool, that can bring results if you work with it. The work you have to do is both mental and physical.” He said bluntly. “I can put the balloon in, but the rest is up to you. You have to make the choice of changing your habits and moving more to help with the loss. You have 6 months to work with it and then it’s even harder to maintain it once the balloon is removed. Take your time and think about it and if you decide you’re ready for it, then give me a call to set up the date of procedure.”

I did think long and hard about what he said. I didn’t want to reach a point where I had to have invasive surgery to help me get back on track, with the possibility of side-effects. I called Dr. Tamer up and said I was ready and that I had to do this for me.

I owed it to myself.

The procedure isn’t invasive, and it’s quick. It takes about 20 minutes in total, from the time the anesthesia puts you under until you’re waking up. The adjusting to a balloon is what takes time. The first three days after having the balloon inserted, I had to have drips for minerals and vitamins solutions. I was on a liquid diet only for the first 3-4 weeks. Finding out what worked for my body was tricky. I learned that I couldn’t handle tomato soup or orange juice anymore because of the tomato’s and orange’s acidity. It would give me acid reflux and I wouldn’t be able to sleep and just be in foul mood. I had to relearn what my body was trying to tell me. To differentiate between thirst and hunger. I’d drink water first and if I didn’t feel hungry afterwards, I wouldn’t eat. I also had to get used to drinking between 2-3 liters of water a day to make sure that no food stuck to the balloon and fermented. I learned to chew my food thoroughly before I swallowed it too. Most importantly portion control.

By the end of the second month, I had a better grasp of how to use the balloon and I chose my meals wisely , but I didn’t deny myself of the cravings I had either.

WHY?

Well, I knew if I cut out EVERYTHING I would have made cravings for them when it was time for the balloon to come out and what ever I had been craving for would be the first thing I would want to eat and would then be ensued with a binge fest of eating a bunch of crap, which would defeat the whole purpose of the process.

As the kilos melted away in the double digits, I began to recognize the soul I saw in the mirror. She had been a prisoner behind layers of fat that had pinned her spirit down and almost broke due to the weight.

I felt lighter,

I felt my energy levels rise,

I felt more like my old self.

How I had missed her!

It was like reconnecting with an old childhood friend after a long absence.

My smile was back too.

I found that overtime my cravings for potato chips, soft drinks (sodas), chocolate, candy, desserts, bread sticks, burgers …etc had calmed down tremendously. When I did have a craving I would order the food of choice, but then I would start freaking out about the quantity! It would be too much and there was no way I could finish it. Which took some readjusting because in the past, I would choose restaurants based on the biggest portion size and now I was trying to avoid them.

As the date for the balloons extraction approached, I became really concerned and nervous because I didn’t want to go back to my old ways or fall back into old eating habits. The Universe must have heard me, because, I was told that there was a person in Cairo that was a licensed and trained Gastric Mind Band Therapist.

I can here you ask – “What is Gastric Mind Band?”

Gastric Mind Band is where you confer with a therapist and go over your relationship with food from as far back as you can remember. You talk about triggers that lead you to turn to food, what your food of poison to turn to is, what your goal weight is, what life goals you have…etc and much more.

Then you have hypnosis session, where the therapist helps to communicate with your subconscious and gives it messages of what you want to do/change. Reprogramming your relationship with food and getting both your subconscious and conscious to work together.

A week after the Gastric Balloon was removed, I started my sessions. The first two to three sessions were long ones, but quite cathartic. Speaking about the food addiction and some of the triggers openly, helped me to understand them more and not fear them as I had before. I think in retrospect, I was also unloading and letting go of emotions I had been harboring for years.

Then the unimaginable happened! I ruptured my Plantaris calf muscle. I had to keep my leg elevated for 3 weeks, which meant I’d barely be moving. Which terrified me. With not being able to move, I could very easily gain back the weight. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let that happen. With the new tools I had, I would make sure that I drank lots of water throughout the day and would eat lots of vegetable and protein and very little carbs. As the weeks rolled by and I was back on my feet, it looked as though I’d actually lost weight and not gained any.

When I had healed, I began to break down some walls I had built up. I would put on my trainers (sneakers) and go for walks, I’d joined a belly-dancing workout class, I started going out and meeting eligible bachelors, going on solo adventures and being more assertive in making decisions and giving feed back or opinions.

I still love cooking and I try all kinds of recipes. The quantities are enough to feed four or more people. I try it and divide it up. I freeze some in small tupperware tubs and the rest I share with colleagues and friends. So, I don’t feel that I HAVE to eat it all and finish it.

July 16th will mark one year since I started this journey and it is far from over. The demons or negative voices do rise up from the shadows of my mind and attempt to lure me back to eating junk food. I won’t lie, sometimes the voices are louder and stronger than my will power. I am human, I will be weak, I will fall, but rather than beat myself up, talk down to myself and shame myself to push me to binge eat. I change my tone… “You had a bad day (or a few), you ate crap, that’s o.k. It’s going to happen. Put it behind you, it’s over, it’s done. Now change it. Get back on track.

I recognize that I am a (recovering) food attic.

I recognize that it isn’t easy and a struggle.

I recognize that I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes and moments of weakness.

I recognize that when I do fall, I don’t have to stay down. I can get back up.

I recognize It’s never too late.

I recognize I will have to take this one day at a time.