Before Ramadan I met up with an old university buddy of mine. He and I had been talking and catching up over dinner one evening, when he hit me with a question.

“You’re such a catch Nadz, how come you’ve never been snatched up?” Was how he started. “You’re attractive, independent, smart, funny AND you can cook! Is it because you’re too picky, not finding the right fit or just plain old assholism?” Then he paused, “or maybe a combination of all of the above?”

In that moment, I found the question humorous and I had an answer for him, but when I left, the question lingered and has been oscillating in my cranium ever since.

“Why have I not been picked to be someone’s significant other or life time partner?”

“Am I too picky?”

“Is there something wrong with me?” “Is there such thing as a match?”

There have been a few things that have contributed to my status…

To begin with, I’m of mixed ethnicity. I’ve been raised to embrace both cultures. I took the good from my European and my North African heritage, to enrich and better myself as a person. There are some social traditions and standards from both that I respect and uphold. Due to my mongrelism – I often find that some men (and people), find me somewhat exotic as well as peculiar. I can’t be put into ‘A Box’ or labeled, which they find hard to fathom and to deal with. Being divergent makes some people very uncomfortable and unable to see me as just a person. I’m regarded as a melange that is hard for them to fathom or even accept.

In addition to being of mixed race, many thought that, just because my mum is a westerner that means that I’m easy. That I’m not a ‘good’ girl.

What does that mean?

Simply put, It means that they think, I would be willing to drop my knickers with the snap of their fingers. Many learned the hard way, that, that was far from true. I actually put one guy in a head-lock once for attempting to put his hands under my shirt and demanded he tell me what made him think that he could do that?

He said because I was more Khawaga (foreign), than Egyptian, (a misconception that continues to plague my existence to this very day). So, I threw it back at him. I said if a guy did what he had just done to his sister or female cousin, he’d be ok with it? “No, not at all.” He said with nostrils flaring as the image formed in his mind. ‘So, then you should treat me the same way, you’d expect a guy to treat them. My mother IS foreign, but my father IS Egyptian.” Then I left.

In addition to my multicultural background, I have parents from two different religious faiths. Growing up, I had the best of both and thought nothing of it! I celebrated Christmas and Easter, Ramadan and Eids, but as I grew older, people pointed it out to me, I struggled with identifying which I belonged to. Over years of experiences, knowledge gained and self reflection. I found that I have a deep admiration and respect for religions in general. Their purpose is/was to help us mortals stay on the right path and aid us in becoming ‘our best selves’. I find religious beliefs fascinating, I hold no negativity towards different observances, as long as they don’t cause harm to others. My approach is more spiritual and doing us much good as I can in this life time. Growing up, my sister and I both found out that some of our suitors pursuits came to an unexpected and abrupt halt once their parents found out that my mother wasn’t of the Islamic faith. They didn’t think that we had been “raised” with the correct teachings, morals and values (How wrong they were). So, they deterred their son’s from further pursuing and convinced them we would not be a good match for them or gel with their family.

It was hurtful to us, and to my mother that we should be judged on a whim, without ever having met us. On one occasion my father heard through the Alexandrian grape vine (gossip channels) why one suitor’s father opposed the proposal. It angered him deeply. “How could I allow the father of the young man to enter our house, knowing that he has such negative thoughts and things to say about my wife?” He had a valid point. “There is nothing in our religion that forbids the union between a Muslim man and a Christian woman!” Was the message he gave to us (perhaps not so eloquently), but you get the idea.

We moved to Alexandria from Saudi Arabia after the Gulf invasion of 91. I was the new kid on the block. Fair, freckled and spoke English fluently but, I didn’t grow up in the city, I didn’t have the ‘family friends’ from birth that many people grew up with. I wasn’t a member of a club or with a cabin in Montazah. I was an outsider, an unknown. My Egyptian family although very well known before the first revolution that Egypt had in the 50s, were quite well to do and prominent. But in the modern era, we weren’t people of interest’ or connections. So, I wasn’t exactly ‘A Catch’. In their opinion, I had nothing to bring to the table, to make the joining of families worthwhile. Unless you count my foreign passport, foreign completion and ability to speak English fluently as an asset.

You may think, that I’m exaggerating or even making this up. I wish I was. I sincerely do, but some of those I had met and had a brief (puppy love) romance with in the past, actually told me this. So, I heard it from the horse’s mouth as you’d say. Who I was, as a person… had no value. It was all business.

My parents raised us to be strong, independent and to have an opinion. We were taught to be able to agree to disagree while maintaining respect for the other person. “You never know what tomorrow will bring, you may fall from the pedestal and if you don’t have these life skills, you won’t know how to get back up.” “We won’t always be here, you have to learn how to do it for yourself.” “One day you’ll own your own home, you have to know how to run it and take care of it.” Were many of the things we heard over the years. Most of which have come true and without those early lessons, I don’t think my sister and I would be the people we are today or where we are today.

Being strong, independent and opinionated doesn’t always bode well. Many want a trophy like kind of wife. Who looks glam, put together, says the right thing…. Yeah that’s not me. My father received a call, from a woman years ago. The woman said she had seen his daughter in the pharmacy and would like to propose on behalf of her son.

My father asked what the son thought, she replied “I’m his mother, he will respect and go with my decision.” She then went to list their assets and what he did for a living. My father said “Masha’a Allah (God’s blessings), but my daughter would have to meet him and have a say in the matter. I won’t choose for her.” Flabbergasted the woman said “You need to marry her young, before she begins to form opinions of her own.” I don’t know how he kept his cool, but he politely ended the conversation and told her that he didn’t think it would be a good match.

“I have loved and lost” as the saying goes, but I prefer to say, “I’ve kissed many prince charmings, but they all turned out to be frogs.”

When I was younger, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. I would trust easily and was quite romantic. With time, I became wiser, and after many heartaches and a few breaks, I became less inclined to follow my heart, but to follow my head. My younger -self was quite attractive, outgoing, and fun (not to say that I’m less so now). My present self has become wiser, more reserved and takes her time to trust the person attempting to court. After many incidences of discovering that the person I had been dating had been cheating on me or lied about their marital status.

My morals and personal ethics forbid me from crossing the line of dating or getting involved with a married or separated man. I would hate it if roles were reversed and I found out that the man, I had promised to be loyal to, the father of my children, the person I share a home and bed with, was having an affair. I couldn’t in all consciousness do that to another person or have a hand in destroying someone else’s family.

I don’t think I would be able to sleep at night if I did, AND I certainly wouldn’t want to get on Karma’s bad side either. What goes around comes around…

One guy made the GRAVE mistake of lying about being divorced. His wife had access to his online accounts and saw that he was attempting to lead me on. She had read how I refused an expensive gift from him, and insisting that money should have gone to his kids, not to someone he had just met. From the conversation she could tell what kind of person I was. So, she paid me the curtsey of calling me and explaining that he isn’t divorced and that he lives with her and her two kids. I can’t begin to describe how mad and and sick to the stomach this made me feel. That he would not only do that to his wife and kids but would want to drag me into this madness.

His wife and I teamed up.

Let’s just say he met his match with me and got a big wake-up call.

That’s all I will say.

In my teens and early twenties, I would easily be “Ga Ga” over a guy, and would see everything through rose colored glasses; trust him and be exceptionally loyal that I wouldn’t see the signs or omens of what was wrong before me. Some would even get away with being rude, controlling and because I thought I was love struck, I allowed it to happen.

Now that I know my worth, I am more in control. I ask tough questions about their long term intentions, pay close attention to see if their actions match their words and vice versa. I notice small details that I used to overlook, that tell a lot about the person’s true character. I also allow for the pursuit to take time, so that those who are only after one thing… end up falling by the way side, because they’ve found someone else who might be more willing to meet ‘their needs and requirements.’ Those that are genuine continue to pursue and are interested in my company for the right reasons. Sometimes my filter isn’t fool proof and I misjudge, but I know my conscience is clear because I did all that I could to protect my Kintsukuroi heart.

Let’s pause for a second…

I don’t want you to get the wrong impression…I’m not slamming men. I’m NOT saying all guys think like this. I am only recounting MY personal experiences of unfortunate (but very character building) events and what has led me to remain single. I have been fortunate to learn from them, even if it was painful. There are some good men out there who look beyond the facade and actually want a person of substance. There are men who are sapiosexual and not solely drawn to physical appearances, social connections and family fortune. I just haven’t been fortunate enough to have found a partner of that caliber… YET!

Before I had gotten engaged in 2017, I was quite content and at peace with the idea of remaining a spinster and living my life to the fullest. After having a partner and someone to share and experience things with… it altered my perspective. I do miss the companionship, the support. I also miss having a partner to communicate with and share the good things and bad things with.

People tell me to move forward, throw it over my shoulder and not to worry “there are plenty of fish in the sea” and that “something better is coming along, it will happen when you least expect it.”

I am skeptical and have doubts that I will find someone who accepts me for who I am, with all my faults and multiculturalism. The best thing I can do is to keep living life to the fullest, making each day count and meet new people with an open mind, trying not to take rejection to heart. WHILE never losing my self value, self respect or compromising who I am, to appease someone else, and make them feel more comfortable.

Until then… I will continue to live everyday as best as I can and work on making me an even better me.