Written March of 2020

(I write to make sense of what’s going on internally…

seeing it in black and white helps me process to some extent)

A comment, An action, An incident or anything can be the trigger…

Sometimes there is a calm before the storm. Other times it’s in the midst of the buildup where the unraveling of all the pent-up unresolved issues sends you into a downward tailspin.

I recently ended a relationship because I felt that something wasn’t right. The familiar signs I had seen from past experiences were emerging. I asked if there was anything wrong. I tried to down play what I saw, give the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for the other person. I said it was me, I made myself out to be the one who was over reacting and turning a mole hill into a mountain over nothing. It’s all in my head, I would tell myself. I misunderstood what they meant. It’s nothing. Apologize to smooth things over, so there is no negativity, so we can move on and be merry. The merry moments were few and far between.

It’s like you go through moments of being lucid and aware, to being in a thick fog of doubt and can’t tell head nor tail, from what is real and what isn’t.

This is what I recently went through, but in a moment of feeling grounded and clear…I took hours to mull over the events of the past few weeks, conversations, feelings and made the decision to eject myself from the situation and not to go down with the ship.

For once…I chose to save myself.

Jubilation, relief and a sense of calm did not come after escaping the grasp of a ‘Gaslighter’. It was replaced with a fuse, that started a heavy spin cycle of highly charged negative energy that had me fighting to get up every morning, to drag myself to work and go about doing everyday things. I clamed up and took refuge inside myself. I would come home and resume being a recluse by putting myself to bed no later than 6pm. I just wanted to dissolve into nothingness and let the pain and confusion wash over me. 

Ten days after the breakup, melt down occurred. 

I was sobbing for no reason, and to people I barely knew.

The inside of my stomach was like an active contortionist, who’s twists and turns would create knots that would sabotage any appetite and send a burning sensation to my chest cavity. Eating was a task that would create anxiety. I needed to eat, but the moment a morsel of food would enter my mouth, a sensation of nausea would hit me. The act of chewing and swallowing would cause a gagging reflux. I became sensitive to textures and smells too… My favorite snacks and foods were pure disgust.

Soup and crackers became my two best friends and my source of nutrition for two months.

The break up was not the sole cause, it was the final straw that set off the domino effect…

The past three years have weighed heavily on my family and I. We have each carried and dealt with the stress, turmoil, anger, loss and a great many other emotions in our own way. (Everyone copes differently.)

In the past three years I’ve dealt with a stalker, my father being diagnosed with being terminally ill, watching a slow and painful deterioration of a strong character I looked up to and having no control over the outcome. Surprisingly evicted from an apartment I had lived in for twelve years and having to pay a bribe to buy back my clothes and other personal possessions. Finding a new place to live. Getting engaged and within a month the groom withdrew his proposal. Weight gain from numbing the pain and depression. Being bullied in the work place, fighting thoughts of suicide. Gastric balloon to try and bring my weight down, so that I would not be in physical pain, because I had no motivation.The loss of my father, the grieving process and all the legalities that come after burying a loved one. A ruptured Plantaris muscle temporarily putting me in wheelchair for a number of weeks. Overcoming a string of men who ghosted me and left me questioning myself worth, burn out at work and the breakup.

My coping mechanism is to put on a brave face and big smile, hold down the fort, be the rock or foundation that keeps everything stable and at an equilibrium. My other tactic is to take the hit, get up, dust myself off and keep trudging onward through the ordeal and come out the other side and keep on going. 

It eventually takes its toll and at a point in time… The mind and body can endure only so much, before it reaches saturation and can no longer hold it all together.

I CRACKED

This crack was bigger than previous ones and it destabilized me. 

I have been staggering and grasping on to anything to get back up, but I kept falling down. 

I kept trying to push myself up and I slumped back down to the ground. The loudest voice in my head would tell me to ‘Stay down, it’s easier! Why get up, when you’ll just fall back down? “Stay”, the voice is so convincing… I want to. I’m so tired of always getting up and fighting. 

In the dark distance of my mind a small weak voice, in a pleading tone, begs me to get up. 

To try again and again.

I do, but I just don’t have the strength…

I can’t

Many will tell you to snap out of it.

Or

Throw it over your shoulder. it’s over. It’s passed.

Or

There are others worse off than you… 

(Hearing those pearls of wisdom and encouragement, just adds to the guilt of feeling low and takes away your justification in feeling the way you are feeling)

It isn’t always that easy (for some)

To admit to yourself that you’re in need of assistance is a BIG deal. 

To ask for it is even BIGGER!

I Need Help.

The day after my uncontrollable crying (which is out of character for me,) I reached out. I contacted an acquaintance and a colleague to ask if they could help me find a therapist. Someone I can go and talk to, without fearing judgement.

A neutral party.

Since making the decision to get help, the knots in my stomach have loosened, my mind is still a buzz, but it’s not a deafening as it was before. 

I was one of those who believed that crying was a sign of weakness and that if you aren’t bleeding to death then you’re o.k. and keep moving forward.

A year an three months later, I am back on my feet!

I am in a much better head space. I feel grounded and centered again.

More on that in upcoming posts.

The lesson here is, to look after yourself just as well as you take care of everyone else. Respect yourself, love yourself and care for yourself. By doing that you send off a clear message to others and the Universe of what your standards are and that you won’t accept anythings less than that.