Category: dating

Unraveling

Written March of 2020

(I write to make sense of what’s going on internally…

seeing it in black and white helps me process to some extent)

A comment, An action, An incident or anything can be the trigger…

Sometimes there is a calm before the storm. Other times it’s in the midst of the buildup where the unraveling of all the pent-up unresolved issues sends you into a downward tailspin.

I recently ended a relationship because I felt that something wasn’t right. The familiar signs I had seen from past experiences were emerging. I asked if there was anything wrong. I tried to down play what I saw, give the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for the other person. I said it was me, I made myself out to be the one who was over reacting and turning a mole hill into a mountain over nothing. It’s all in my head, I would tell myself. I misunderstood what they meant. It’s nothing. Apologize to smooth things over, so there is no negativity, so we can move on and be merry. The merry moments were few and far between.

It’s like you go through moments of being lucid and aware, to being in a thick fog of doubt and can’t tell head nor tail, from what is real and what isn’t.

This is what I recently went through, but in a moment of feeling grounded and clear…I took hours to mull over the events of the past few weeks, conversations, feelings and made the decision to eject myself from the situation and not to go down with the ship.

For once…I chose to save myself.

Jubilation, relief and a sense of calm did not come after escaping the grasp of a ‘Gaslighter’. It was replaced with a fuse, that started a heavy spin cycle of highly charged negative energy that had me fighting to get up every morning, to drag myself to work and go about doing everyday things. I clamed up and took refuge inside myself. I would come home and resume being a recluse by putting myself to bed no later than 6pm. I just wanted to dissolve into nothingness and let the pain and confusion wash over me. 

Ten days after the breakup, melt down occurred. 

I was sobbing for no reason, and to people I barely knew.

The inside of my stomach was like an active contortionist, who’s twists and turns would create knots that would sabotage any appetite and send a burning sensation to my chest cavity. Eating was a task that would create anxiety. I needed to eat, but the moment a morsel of food would enter my mouth, a sensation of nausea would hit me. The act of chewing and swallowing would cause a gagging reflux. I became sensitive to textures and smells too… My favorite snacks and foods were pure disgust.

Soup and crackers became my two best friends and my source of nutrition for two months.

The break up was not the sole cause, it was the final straw that set off the domino effect…

The past three years have weighed heavily on my family and I. We have each carried and dealt with the stress, turmoil, anger, loss and a great many other emotions in our own way. (Everyone copes differently.)

In the past three years I’ve dealt with a stalker, my father being diagnosed with being terminally ill, watching a slow and painful deterioration of a strong character I looked up to and having no control over the outcome. Surprisingly evicted from an apartment I had lived in for twelve years and having to pay a bribe to buy back my clothes and other personal possessions. Finding a new place to live. Getting engaged and within a month the groom withdrew his proposal. Weight gain from numbing the pain and depression. Being bullied in the work place, fighting thoughts of suicide. Gastric balloon to try and bring my weight down, so that I would not be in physical pain, because I had no motivation.The loss of my father, the grieving process and all the legalities that come after burying a loved one. A ruptured Plantaris muscle temporarily putting me in wheelchair for a number of weeks. Overcoming a string of men who ghosted me and left me questioning myself worth, burn out at work and the breakup.

My coping mechanism is to put on a brave face and big smile, hold down the fort, be the rock or foundation that keeps everything stable and at an equilibrium. My other tactic is to take the hit, get up, dust myself off and keep trudging onward through the ordeal and come out the other side and keep on going. 

It eventually takes its toll and at a point in time… The mind and body can endure only so much, before it reaches saturation and can no longer hold it all together.

I CRACKED

This crack was bigger than previous ones and it destabilized me. 

I have been staggering and grasping on to anything to get back up, but I kept falling down. 

I kept trying to push myself up and I slumped back down to the ground. The loudest voice in my head would tell me to ‘Stay down, it’s easier! Why get up, when you’ll just fall back down? “Stay”, the voice is so convincing… I want to. I’m so tired of always getting up and fighting. 

In the dark distance of my mind a small weak voice, in a pleading tone, begs me to get up. 

To try again and again.

I do, but I just don’t have the strength…

I can’t

Many will tell you to snap out of it.

Or

Throw it over your shoulder. it’s over. It’s passed.

Or

There are others worse off than you… 

(Hearing those pearls of wisdom and encouragement, just adds to the guilt of feeling low and takes away your justification in feeling the way you are feeling)

It isn’t always that easy (for some)

To admit to yourself that you’re in need of assistance is a BIG deal. 

To ask for it is even BIGGER!

I Need Help.

The day after my uncontrollable crying (which is out of character for me,) I reached out. I contacted an acquaintance and a colleague to ask if they could help me find a therapist. Someone I can go and talk to, without fearing judgement.

A neutral party.

Since making the decision to get help, the knots in my stomach have loosened, my mind is still a buzz, but it’s not a deafening as it was before. 

I was one of those who believed that crying was a sign of weakness and that if you aren’t bleeding to death then you’re o.k. and keep moving forward.

A year an three months later, I am back on my feet!

I am in a much better head space. I feel grounded and centered again.

More on that in upcoming posts.

The lesson here is, to look after yourself just as well as you take care of everyone else. Respect yourself, love yourself and care for yourself. By doing that you send off a clear message to others and the Universe of what your standards are and that you won’t accept anythings less than that.

Dating Apps

After my very brief engagement ended a year an a half ago. I was in a rut. For quite sometime I believed there was something wrong with me.

There must be! How else could I explain the string of unsuccessful past relationships of being cheated on and dumped? It HAD to be me.

After a lot of reflection and working on myself, I had come to terms that he wasn’t coming back. Even though we still loved and cared for one another, it just wasn’t written in our stars to be together. My circle of close friends was getting narrower with members starting their own family, immigrating or repatriating. I wasn’t meeting anyone ‘new’ and my self-confidence was in need of repair.

After a break-up, I noticed that I tend to beat myself up a lot and find fault in my character but mostly my appearance. I would feel so unattractive, unworthy, unlovable and just plain…BLAH.

At Christmas some friends and family members suggested I go out and date blokes (guys) during my visit to the UK. I was very hesitant and reluctant to take that step.

Why?

I had a poor self image of myself (body wise) and I didn’t think anyone would be interested enough to want to go out with me.

One crisp December’s morning in London, I downloaded one of the leading dating apps to my phone, out of curiosity to see what it was like. I created my profile and saw the profiles of some of the men. They were quite handsome, which boosted my insecurities further. Non of those handsome studs would want to meet me, I thought to myself. So… I deleted the app.

In February, I had ruptured a muscle in my calf. I was feeling down and quite alone, having been put on 3 weeks leg rest in a wheelchair and given an additional few weeks of physiotherapy, I found myself wishing that I had a companion and someone by my side during hard times like these. I had been chatting to one of my colleagues from work who’s very intellectual, confident and smart. She’d recently married and we got to talking about how she had come to meet her husband. It turns out, it was on Tinder. We talked about the difficulty of meeting people and how the app helped her move on from a relationship that went sour.

Our conversation played over and over in my mind the rest of the day and after I went home. The pros and cons of the app were weighed and my sassy side decided to give me a pep talk.

“You want to meet eligible bachelors, but you aren’t doing anything about it! You don’t go out and you’re living in the shadows. How the hell do you expect to find anyone? You can’t have them delivered to the house you know!”

I’m in a wheelchair and I can’t go anywhere! What do you want from me? I asked her

“You’re temporarily in a chair, not forever! That’s not a reason. Get the app, and surf through it. What’s the worst that can happen? Set some boundaries, don’t give out your phone number, turn off the location, if that makes you feel more secure, don’t post close up photos of yourself and only meet in public places. IF they ALL turn out to be trolls, swipe left or deactivate the app! Bada-bim Bada-boom! What’ve you gotta to lose? Huh?”

“Nothing!”

“That’s what I thought… So…? Whacha Waiting For…? Get the app already!”

(This ultra ego of mine has a strong Booklyn Italian accent and is quite bossy! I don’t know where she got it from, or where she came from, but she scares me a times. I just did what she commanded, because I really didn’t want to have to lose sleep over it.)

She was right. I had nothing to lose. Maybe I won’t meet Prince Charming, BUT I might meet a lot of charming guys. I held my phone and drew a deep breath as I went to the App Store on my device.

I nervously downloaded the app and began compiling my profile. I was very cautious for a couple of reason; First of all, I’m a teacher and some of the men on the app, might very well be, parents of students or even colleagues. I didn’t want to be the source of unwanted gossip where I work and draw that kind of attention to myself. In addition, I had been told that some High School kids have false accounts to catch teachers too…

So, I chose to go with a nickname people gave me in college, not post close-up pictures of myself and to not have my location available. I also made a decision not to give out my phone number whenever someone asked. I’d prefer to see the whites of their eyes and look into their pupil’s first before handing over my digits.

When my profile was set and ready…I was surprised by the number of likes I got. I looked at profiles carefully, read the biographies to see if we had anything in common. I was pleasantly surprised to see how many guys were on the app.

When I was able to use crutches I agreed to meet up with a few of them. For the most part all of the ones I’ve met so far have been really nice and we got along well. A few of them have become good acquaintances that I keep in touch with, meet up and have a good chin wag with.

There was one particular guy that I was very attracted to on many levels. We were similar and different at the same time. We both didn’t think that the other was interested until we finally came out and said it. Things got off to a rocky start, his work hours were the polar opposite to mine, I found it difficult to communicate with him because he wasn’t into calling or texts. Then he just ghosted me! Disappeared. I was gutted, disappointed and hurt. I took this as a personal rejection and I started tearing myself apart again.

Guys are great to have as friends. They give you insight to things that women don’t always know or get. Talking to them helped calm my insecurities and learn that I shouldn’t take it personally. The person may have issues, might have lied about their relationship status or a number of other things. The important thing is to brush it off and move on.

Months later, he got back in touch to say ‘Hi’ and ask how I was doing. When I asked him what happened, he said that he had a lot going on, on end and felt like he couldn’t breath or talk. (I can understand that, because I’ve been there myself, BUT, that’s not an acceptable excuse for me. I would have appreciated him saying something along the lines of ‘ Hey, I’m really into you, but I just can’t give you the time or attention you deserve because of what i’m going through.’ I would have TOTALLY respected that.

Since then I’ve connected/matched with a few other guys. Some of whom I have arranged to meet and when the day comes disappear and sever communication with me. Others are flaky, have very little to say and of no interest, which I find quite boring. Then there are those I’m not ready to meet yet, because my spider senses are tingling and tell me to hold up.

I won’t lie, there are some who only one thing and one thing only… and that is to fool around. I just politely decline and tell them that’s not what I’m using the platform for and I’m looking for something ‘real’ and ‘long term.

There are days where I think to myself “I’m too old for this shit!” and consider deleting the account and retreating back into of the safety of the shadows, but then my ultra ego says no. You are getting out and meeting people and yes, I might not have found someone I click with on a higher level…but I won’t find him, unless I keep going out and mingling.

Dating Apps are not for everyone… I respect that. As you get older, it does get harder.

I’m continuing to work on myself and try and meet like-minded men. I just have to keep in mind that real life isn’t like + doesn’t move at the same pace as a movie real or TV series. I have to be patient and have to trust, what is meant to be will be.

One swipe, and One date at a time.